Homecoming activities for people who hate football
Posted on Oct 02, 2012 in Features
Some people–err…a good bit–of people down here in the United South of America can’t get enough of football. There are families that make their babies pledge allegiance to their college football teams before they can even walk. The same people will continue to stuff their children into Alabama or Auburn apparel and make them freeze their little butts off in stadium seats smelling of urine; frightened by the large and deafening crowds. Or if they’re a bit more sensible, will force their confused children down on the couch to watch a game they know nothing about. “I just want to watch Nickelodeon and eat Fruit by the Foot!” they will cry. Or at least they would have cried, circa 1994.
And then there are some people who just don’t get the appeal. They grew up and developed interests in other things sports unrelated. This writer would hide in the bathroom during middle and high school pep rallies, and still rolls her eyes at the unfortunately “age old” question of “Auburn or Alabama?” If anyone has a more witty response that tops “uhhh, neither,” let us all know. Much like chocolate by itself, Glee, and anything Weezer has done post-Maladroit, it just doesn’t excite the old cynic in me.
So why would anyone not into sports endorse anything Homecoming related? Well, a number of reasons: they are surrounded by it and have no choice but to go with the flow, it is their job to promote it, or they just want to take advantage of some of the activities related to it. As ‘punk-rock’ as some of us may have been, we still participated in some Homecoming events in high school; as these were the days in which we could get away with dressing up as our favorite on-screen killers or anti-hereos. However, college doesn’t have to be much different. Events will be held this entire week and not all of are necessarily linked to football.
Pancakes and karaoke on The Green! Wait, that happened last night; oh well. Today–October 2–still hosts some fun. Students of the College of Arts and Sciences along with its alumni, faculty, and staff can participate in a “spirit” cookout held at Heritage Hall from 11 a.m.-1 p.m.; you can always ignore the spirit part and go for the food. At the same date and time, the students, alumni, faculty and staff of the School of Business will host a “celebration” luncheon–with free food–on the lawn of the Business Engineering Complex. Don’t fret Nursing and Engineering students, you can also get your munching on. Nursing students will meet in front of the School of Nursing for a “decoration” cookout, and the Engineering students can enjoy a “judgement” feast at noon. Engineering students are instructed to design a suit of thick skin, which will be judged. There will be a comedy show with the cast members of Reno 911! at 8 p.m. at the Alys Stephens Center. If that’s not an awesome way to end your day of overeating, then what is?
On Wednesday, all UAB students can enjoy “sweet treats as Sterne” at the library before the Gurney Derby starts at noon. The Gurney Derby is the inhumane racing of poor caged gurnies–trollies as they’re called in some parts–for the audience’s amusement. Never-the-less, watching people race hospital gurnies sounds pretty entertaining. If you do want to take part, the Gurney Derby will be held on 13th Street South between 8th and 10th Avenues South at noon. Following the derby will be a cookout held at the Mini Park. Make sure you’re completely empty from previous feasts before attending. Another event meant to increase school spirit, the “Stompdown” competition will be held on the Green at 8 p.m. However, that sounds like something only the popular kids do; come on outcasts, let’s go throw rocks in the parking lot of Bottletree or something.
Thursday events include the Fall Festival on the Green from 10:00am to 2:00pm. A kickball game will be held at the BEC followed by yet another cookout, and just when you’ve worked off those calories kicking that ball! American Jazz: An Evening with Eric Essix with be held at the Spencer Honors House at 7:00pm. Blaze the Night will be held at the EXACT SAME TIME at the Mini Park. This is just a fancy word for pep rally. I suggest if you can’t make the jazz, you find a nice bathroom to hide out in. Or better yet, just go somewhere else. We’re adults now, yeah!
Friday is the penultimate day. A Homecoming Parade will be held on campus at noon. So stay in your cars and blast Superchunk as loud as you can to drown out the sounds of their merriment. Or you could go to the hot dog picnic at the School of Optometry. You know, if you’re into hot dogs, that is. They will also be a pizza party after the parade at the Hoehn Building. Take the pizza, go back to your car and continue to listen to Superchunk if you wish. There will be a softball game at 5:30 and something called “Pre-Game at Blazer Beach” at the Rec Center from 9:00pm-midnight. But as stated before, we are adults with free will. We will be too busy making out in our cars with pizza breath, still listening to Superchunk.
If you’re still reading this (football fans probably stopped after the first paragraph), Saturday will be the day none of you are waiting for. Yep, it will be game day. On October 6th at 2:00pm, UAB will take on Southeastern Louisiana at Legion Field. Think of all the other fun activities you can do a glorious Saturday afternoon instead of go to a football game. You could paint pottery, go for a walk, read a book, eat corn chips in bed while you Netflix, write a song, or go get some Fruit by the Foot and watch Ren and Stimpy, gaining back all the fun times you lost to football games during your childhood.
A full list of activities, locations and times can be found here: http://www.uab.edu/alumni/alumni-programs/homecoming
A note to any and all irate football fans: Calm down. Your passion is not for everyone. Be happy you are in a region that embraces what you love. Take solace in that.
As for the rest of you, consider Homecoming week to be a lot like your nose: Have fun picking at it.
Senior Staff Writer