How to be Famous in America

By on March 11, 2014

Are British music makers just better than us at what they do?

It seems like lately, there’s been quite the buzz over music from across the pond in almost all categories from pop to electronica to “I-need-to-feel-better-about-my-last-break-up” genres of music.

The range of genres of popular music are definitely expanding throughout the US, which is great, because I think I speak for us all when I say that we’re all tired of hearing crap on the radio. But musicians and artists alike seem to be stepping up to the plate of matching musicians that are seeing incredible bouts of success within North America.

One of my favorite artists right now is Bibio, or the music producer that you didn’t know that you knew. With music popping up in just about every advertisement that isn’t for Life Alert, you’re probably hearing some variation of a really peppy musical tune by Stephen Wilkinson, or Bibio, for a much cooler name.

Bibio has taken over the world of advertising for companies like Toyota, Google, and channels like Adult Swim, home of the ever so elusive television and music. But because of these extreme bouts of marketing with more “intelligent dance music,” what is the formula for success for British music makers?

I’d like to propose a three point formula for British success.

#1: Have a British Accent.

This is the number one golden rule for British success in America. Think about it. John Lennon. Idris Elba. Adele. Estelle. I mean, to be honest, I know Lupita Nyong’o has no connection to Britain, but her accent sounds very familiar and British to me. And, well, she did win an Oscar. Even Madonna tried (and only tried) to sound British for a while. I’m not saying that these people walk around singing “ello gov’nor” and we ooze for excitement over their voices, but it is one element that people really like about these people. Not only does the accent translate so well to our memory, but the way they seem to hide it so well within their singing voices is also interesting. Many people seem to be curious about it, with the ever so popular “how do they do that” becoming a valid question every time.

#2 Make a catchy song.

This is important. Very important. Make it slow or fast, about a break up or about unicorns, it doesn’t matter. As long as it sounds good, and it’s possible to do the I’m-enjoying-this-song head nod to the music, your song will be a hit. Don’t forget to make your voice sound kind of British. That’s still really important too.

#3 Be irresistible to eleven year old girls.

This is the key to your success. Being irresistible to eleven year old girls is one of the best ways to be propelled into the limelight. Eleven year old girls are the most irritating people once they begin to find interest in anything. They bug their parents about it. They bug their friends about it. I’m pretty sure they bug themselves about it (I know from personal experience, but we aren’t talking about that here). Eleven year old girls are probably a really important demographic on those marketing charts at record companies. They have dad’s money and there’s no doubt that they’re going to the mall to buy British paraphernalia every weekend but have to be home before ten o’clock. This time, between school dismissal and ten o’clock is very important to British success. The catchy song with the breathy British singer is no doubt going to come on the radio 76 times before they get to the mall, and will come on in every store they visit before ten o’clock. These elements culminate in the mind of the eleven year old girl and rearrange hormones and neurotransmitters for them to become obsessed with British singers. Trust me on this.

These elements are the key to success for any person wanting to become famous and known to the world. These tried and true methods are incredibly universal for just about any barrier of success within the United States, and it’s been that way since at least The Beatles. And if it worked for them, it could work for anyone. Trust me on this.

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